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Monday, January 30, 2012

Keeping My Faith High

As of this writing I have no idea what to write in my blog as my head is turning into a spinning wheel - unable to write even a single sentence. For the past few weeks and up to this day, I've been suffering from emotional turmoil and this predicament of mine freezes me that withholds and procrastinates some of my  activities. And I am clueless when is this going to last. As this process goes, I feel like I am dismantled finding it hard to proceed with the things that could have been done and it also feels like I'm taking the bull by the horns wanting to win the battle. If I was employed, my situation would never allow me to work and perhaps I would be unable to meet the deadline of my tasks. Perhaps I would find myself on leave for work. This barrier traps me down to the pitfall as I'm trying to grab a rope in my hand, and perhaps a hand from someone out there who is ready to pick me up before I fall. But I know up there, there's an invisible HAND just waiting for me to call upon HIS name.

I don't really know this syndrome that I'm experiencing right now, but one thing for sure, some past issues that were considered as water under the bridge are hitting me off my chest and it lets me become more sensitive, sentimental and too emotional. It alienates me thus detaching myself from the rest and even keeping myself inside the room most of the time. My situation draws me into tears during the past few weeks and I was trying to figure out the few reasons why is this happening to me. If there's one thing that pushes me to write the best way I can, it's because I can hear my heart dictates me to find some words which lets me go ahead with this writing.

I'm no GOD and I'm no super human. Just like anyone, I am an ordinary human being capable of experiencing emotional ups and downs. And often times, most friends and colleagues are the ones seeking my advice so it would be quite different if I am the one knocking on their door to seek advice. Not because of my pride, they may find my situation entirely idiomatic in nature if I am going to tell them my story about what is going on with me. And some perhaps they may not be able to understand the way things happened to me as my perplexing situation becomes a turning point in my life.

The issue is not about the little business I have because it is picking up  in spite of the U.S. recession as I went through with this situation three years ago during the economic melt down. Neither it has something to do with my personal goals, dreams and aspirations in life that I've been wanting to happen since the beginning. And perhaps I am in self denial of being unable to accomplish some of these facets in life or I am against to face the failure once more. But I've already been on this stage before and learned to acknowledge failures since then.  The thing is I really don't know what is going on with me right now and why it pays my attention to think about the things that no longer matter to me. But one thing for sure, I'm trying to become a warrior against my own self fighting the odds in me - the emotional perpetrators inside that keep on abusing me.

As my journey continues I'm beginning to realize all my shortcomings and detriments and I'm taking the good hard look of myself, and that I know I am the same person who most of closest people knew me. And I believe the turning point in my life has come which lets me change of becoming a better person this time. And I'm keeping my faith high to God in spite of experiencing emotional turmoil this time. And I know that the prospect of reward in doing goods comes close to me.

Sameera Chathuranga

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